Don't wish your problems away!

As a student, I hated Math. Resultantly, I was weakest in that subject. So, understandably, I was amused to find my son and his friend (both of whom are majoring in Math at American universities) spending hours discussing a particular Math problem and the possible ways to solve it. Amazed, I asked my son how he developed such a great aptitude for the subject. Didn’t he find it boring and frustrating? “No Dad. If you get the conceptual understanding and know the basics, incremental levels of difficulty in problem-solving can be surmounted. That’s what makes Math so much fun,”he clarified.
On the face of it, I am not sure if fellow-struggles like me will entirely agree with him. But interesting learning there. Life itself is no different. In life, at various stages, we are confronted with problems of varying dimensions and intensity. Our first reaction is to hate those problems. Or wish that they weren’t there. But in choosing to wish our problems away, we are actually not fulfilling a key criterion of intelligent and successful living. Which is to solve each problem that comes our way__happily, patiently, surely.
So, as a child, you may have a problem with an academic subject or a sport. As a teenager, you may have a problem understanding people. As a young adult you may have a problem managing your time and with prioritization. Or you may have a problem with your health. Or maybe a financial problem. Whatever be the problem, if we embrace it and take to problem-solving the same way Math majors approach their curriculum__by logically arguing, debating, considering multiple solution options and reasoning which one is the best__life will become a meaningful and enriching experience.
The reason why many of us are unable to adopt this approach is because we don’t have enough conceptual clarity of life. Some of us live in the belief that we have problems because we are condemned or are less worthy or have sinned. We sulk. Imagine, if Math majors sulked or kicked around, would they find solutions any faster? If we understand the purpose of our creation, dealing with life becomes easier. Simply, life is about learning and evolving. And such evolution happens only when we gain (learn) from the experience of having faced and solved problems.
A reader recently wrote to me describing his problem. He is madly in love with a girl who is spurning him. In the bargain, while the girl has moved on, he has lost two years of academics owing to severe depression and is now picking up the threads of his life again. He lamented that life was being unfair and wanted suggestions on how to convince the girl to like him. When you place his experience in the context of what we are discussing, you will agree that his learning must be that a.relationships are not one-way streets and require intent and interest from both ends and b. having lost two years, he must focus on building his career and not force the issue with the girl. Especially when she is not interested. But this learning appears to be evading him because he is wishing that he did not have a problem (with the girl) in the first place.
I am not suggesting that people give up on situations and stop trying. It could be the elusive love of your life, it could be a difficult subject in your academics, it could be a battle against cancer, or it could be achieving a professional goal or target. Hang in there and make it all happen. But remember that the right approach to attempt solving any problem is by welcoming it and not by wishing it away.
Learnings:
1. Each problem we encounter has been custom-made for us.
2. Often times, to show us that we have a side to us that we are not aware of. Also to teach us a new learning through the experience.
3. Understand this. Life surely, like Math, will then be so much fun!

Give up the need to be right all the time!

On I-Day eve, I was watching Sir Richard Attenborough’s classic ‘Gandhi’ and was reflecting on the Mahatma’s immortal perspective: “An eye for an eye, will make the whole world blind.” Earlier in the week, the media had reported the unfortunate incident of two teenage kabbadi players quarreling over the usage of a pedestal fan leading to one of them murdering the other in a fit of fury.
These two contrasting experiences got me thinking. Why do people argue, fight and go to the extent of killing each other? Why are young people increasingly becoming combative and self-destructive?

There can be various socio-economic factors contributing to this dangerous trend. But let us consider how we can arrest it. If each of us resolves to listen to what the other person is saying and appreciate the fact that just as we are entitled to our opinion, others are too, the world around us will emerge more peaceful. Simply, we must give up our need to be right all the time. Think about this deeply. From the time you back-answered your parents for the first time, as an adolescent, you developed this destructive habit of wanting to be right. When you were told no TV till homework is done, you stomped out of the room, kicking at furniture or swearing. This immature resistance soon became a rigid mindset. So, when you were advised not to drink and drive, you felt your father was being too old-fashioned. Or when your family encouraged you to exercise caution in your choice of life partner, you hardly paid heed. Soon, the tendency to want be independent became an addiction to be right every time, about everything, irrespective of whether you were actually right or not. You carried the mindset into your work life too. Your boss, therefore, was never respected for his/her experience. On the contrary you loathed his/her saying things that you did not like. Result: you stopped learning from your boss. And succumbed to a universal thinking trap of imagining that you know and are better than your boss and that the only reason why you would not take on the boss was protocol/hierarchy.
Recently I met a CEO who had achieved the impossible task of turning around a completely written-off, loss-making hospitality company. He accomplished this feat in under three years. And shocked industry insiders with the turnaround story because he did not possess a hospitality industry background at all. I asked him how he made this possible. He replied: “I listened to every viewpoint. I kept telling my team that there was no reason why my way or opinion was the only right one. This helped me gain their confidence. And, importantly, gave me fresh perspectives that helped me plot the right strategy for turning around the business.”

I want to elevate this learning and takeaway to a higher plane. Remember that the life source that keeps us all alive__oxygen__is the same for everyone. In that sense, we are all equal. Arguments, disputes, animosity and enmity comes when people see others are superior or inferior to themselves. How can two people who breathe the same life source be unequal? So, if we are all equal, what is the harm in allowing another point of view__however divergent it may be from your own__to be stated? When this simple truth of life sinks in, we let go of our need to be right all the time. Apart from making relationships more meaningful and lasting, it helps in making you, the individual, less agitated. Because, each time you fight to prove a point, there is avoidable agitation in you. When you stay agitated for prolonged periods of time you develop lifestyle diseases like hypertension, diabetes and stress. It is like driving your car with the hand brake pulled up at all times. Release that hand brake, let go of your need to be right, and watch how smoothly you navigate the rest of this wondrous journey called life.
Learnings:

1.How can two people who breathe the same life source be unequal?
2.So, if we are all equal, what is the harm in allowing another point of view__however divergent it may be from your own__to be stated?
3.When this simple truth of life sinks in, we let go of our need to be right all the time.